“I—okay, fine. We had sex. Are you happy?”
Blaine giggled. “Was it good?”
“It was magical.” Rachel sighed happily. “I’m so happy I waited as long as I did. It felt right, you know?” She looked back into the mirror, darkening her eyebrows with care. “What about you and Kurt? Did you two…you know, lose the v-card?”
Blaine looked into the mirror skeptically, biting his lips. “Define virginity.”
Rachel hit him with her hairbrush. “Blaine!”
“What? We’re gay! It’s not that easy to define!”
“Here, I’ll make it easy for you, Blanderson: is your ass sore from where Hummel pounded into it like the fist of an angry God? If so, then you’re probably not a virgin anymore, sorry.”
Blaine whipped around as fast as he could, his face crimson. “Santana! When did you get here?”
The devil in a red dress rolled her eyes. “Oh, please, I can smell sex like a shark can smell blood. There was a distinct lack of virgin smell coming from this room, and I wanted to make sure you two weren’t dead. Instead, it turns out you just finally had sex. I’d offer you my congratulations, but that would require me thinking about you losing your virginity, and honestly, I don’t want to throw up while wearing this dress.”
“I agree; that dress is flawless. Though, please don’t ever think about me having sex ever again.”
Santana merely smiled. “That’s an awfully nice hickey Kurt left you, stud. Always knew he was a biter. Maybe if you’re lucky, the audience will think Maria gave it to you.”
Blaine squealed and turned back to the mirror, hastily examining his neck for any discoloration; Rachel frowned.
“You’re so mean. And for the record, Finn is not a sack of potatoes in bed. He was a perfect gentleman.”
“Huh. That’s funny, I’ve always pictured sex with Finn would be like having sex with a sack of potatoes.” Puck laughed, and then seemed to realize what he said. “Not that’s I’ve ever pictured having sex with Finn. Ever.”
Rachel whirled. “When did you get here?”
Puck grinned. “I heard the words ‘sex’ and ‘ass’ and knew this was somewhere I needed to be.”
“…You were in the other room.”
Puck’s grin widened. “Like I said: sex and ass. They were calling to me.” He offered Rachel a high-five. “Congratulations on losing the v-card, my little Jewish-American princess. Always thought I’d be the one to take that from you, but I guess I gotta let Finn win sometimes.”
Rachel hesitated before returning the five.
THIS IS WONDERFUL.